Sex has been an interesting aspect of my life ever since I lost my virginity. I was a very sheltered child and went to private schools so it was something that was burned into my brain as a special moment and connection between two people that should only come after love. Now, as a teenager edging inevitably closer to my sexual peak this began to lose meaning to me and I quickly realized that I wanted to have sex whether love was there or not. But let me explain something.
Hopefully this entry will give some of you anonymous (to me) readers some insight into what goes on when I talk about my trouble with women and my past feelings for some of my ex girlfriends. I have included pictures.
I have had sex wtih.. 5 people. Sally Miles, Jocelyn Thornton, a girl named Lauren, Amanda Borris and Jessica Rotunno.
Sally took my virginity. At/on Huntington beach. I was so nervous I didn't even come. Does that count as losing my virginity? I think it probably does, irrelevant.
Jocelyn Thornton was my first real girlfriend. She was the complete polar opposite of me. Straight A's, varsity football, honors classes, cheerleading, extracurriculars, beautiful, beautiful girl. It's a long drawn out story of how we actually met. I took her virginity and experimented the most with her for the 6 months we were together. We still used to hook up for years after we broke up.
Due to my short friendship with Lauren I do not have a picture of her
Lauren was a friends ex girlfriend. She took a like to me, we had a one night stand. I never saw her after that until a few months ago at a bar. We hugged and acted like nothing happened. I dont know her last name.
Amanda Borris. The only girl I've ever felt I have been in love with. Which may or may not be true because at this point it probably was never love more on the fact that I dont trust my own feelings anymore about attraction and connection than because it didn't feel reciprocated. This girl was amazing, or at least I thought. We shared the same interests in everything. We would hang out every single night and play Zelda, SSX, any kind of game you could think of and she
loved it. I can't count how many times I had sex with her to the zelda pause screen. I fell for this girl, hard. We met on myspace, striaght up. I sent her a message, we talked on AOL for a week. Met, then saw each other every day for 3 months. I learned a lot from this relationship. I am still utterly, hopelessly, head over heels for her, even now.
Whats funny, is the sex was not that great. I had better sex with Jocelyn and was much less experienced back then (it had been 4 years since jocelyn at this point). But because I cared for her so much, even still, I think about the boring sex we had and miss it more than anything else. It didn't help that she was probably the hottest girl I had ever dated as well.
Though me and amanda broke up at the beginning of July of last year, we still saw each other a LOT. In the beginning she was still nice enough to me, and even would let me peck her on the cheek. That quickly stopped. I began obsessing. I called her incessantly and became worried if i didnt know where she was, and constatly thought of her with some other guy. I eventually got into her myspace. Three times. Three times she found out. But also, in my defense, all three times I found out she was seeing someone even though she promised she would tell me when she would. I was sick. I still am, in some ways.
It has been over 6 weeks since me and Amanda have spoken to each other. Only becuase she has not picked up her phone, I have called her at least once everyday for the past month and a half. I miss her so, so much. Theres a lot more I could say but I'll stop here. My brain knows that a relationship with her now will never work, but it feels like my heart will never keep saying yes, yes, yes.
Jessica. Jessica is a completly unpredictable insane person. Shes also very cute and dynamite in bed. Our story is a funny one. I met her on myspace at the end of december. Her profile said that she lived in Santa Cruz as well as Altadena, the town just north of Pasadena where i live. I sent her a casual message to see if she knew a few of my friends, including my best friend Kellen, at UCSC. Turns out she did know of Kellen, but had never met him.
They met sometime later and ended up dating. This gave way to a unique friendship between us. I had technically never met Jessica but talked to her online all the time. Jessica would talk to me about her feelings and problems with Kellen and Kellen would do the same. I was the unbiased third party. I quickly found out through my convorsations with Jessca that she was a complete nymphomaniac and had a lot of self-image problems. She needed constant attention from boys and did not seem to care too much about fidelity. She even told me shed fuck me as she was dating Kellen. I told Kellen this, but it didn't seem to matter anymore. They broke up before spring break.
That was the first time me and Jessica had sex. Behind Kellens back. Kellen is a little stronger than I am when it comes to relationships, and when he broke up with Jessica he got rid of her from his life completely. I have yet to do the same with Amanda. Me and Jessica continued to talk. Kellen knows that we still talk but I don't think he has too much of an idea of anything beyond that. You see, he lives in Santa Cruz still. Working at his shit job so that he can afford the Euro-trip we are going on in a month. Meanwhile, back in Pasadena, I have been having incredible sex with Jessica. I'm a terrible person, this is known.
I have to stop writing this entry is getting longer than I even thought it would ever be. I will embelish on points when the time arises. Thank you to anyone who actually read the whole thing. Here's a recent picture of myself, for those of you wondering.
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